Tonight I attended an engagement party of two former students from the seminary. I had no idea what to expect, especially after receiving quite the formal invitation, but had heard a variety of things-- that it should be interesting because the couple comes from two different tribes. Another friend told me to expect a formal discussion of the dowry in front of the crowd of witnesses. Instead, I attended a worship service in the back hall of the house, watching the couple sign a contract for their engagement, and exchange engagement rings right then. Of course, it was a big party with abundant food.

When coming to a new country, we naturally expect the country to be different than our own, but I don't think we always expect the changes that occur within ourselves. On the way to the party tonight, I rode with one of my students and his family. This was the first time I had met his family, and I'm always overjoyed to be able to place a whole other life with the students I only know within the classroom setting. What struck me tonight was the friendship I found in his wife, Esther. Shortly after meeting, say about a five minute car ride, we were already friends. She held me close to her side, wrapping her arm tightly around my waist to keep warm as we waited in line for food. We chatted in a mixture of English and Malay discussing the food, secretly stashing extra chocolates in our purses, and talking about her work and family. As we ate, we shared food off of our plates so we could try each flavor of the expensive desserts. It was on the way home, as she grasped my hand tightly for every funny joke, that I realized the potential oddity of our friendship. Through half the evening, I didn't even know her or her children's names. But here we were, holding hands and sharing knowing glances as the kids chattered nonsense in the backseat. And I don't find it the least bit odd.

I am confident that at the beginning of my time in Malaysia I could have never reached this level of mutual understanding and friendship-- I had too many barriers, preset societal expectations and codes from my own country, natural introverted tendencies, and didn't know enough about the people and the culture to even make conversation. At the same time, I am also keenly aware (and embarrassed) that such a fast welcoming would be hard for her to come by in my own country.

Why it this? Because it's polite? Because we are afraid of being open?

The program I'm with talks a lot about solidarity, and what it means to walk beside the people you are living with. I think tonight I finally understood-- Esther and I could relate, because we knew what foods were a treat to be having. We could relate, because I knew her 30min walk to work; I take it weekly too. We could relate, because she was willing to accept me in her family and I, likewise, was willing to reach back.

I fully intend on extending this same level of greeting in the future, no matter the social norm. Why settle for a handshake and a polite hello, when you can spend the entire evening in close proximity, friendship, and laughter?