It is unbelievable to me that two months ago I was in Malaysia. My life now is completely different-- it's only when I sit quiet for a moment that I find memories, missing, and subtle differences float to the forefront of my being.
When I was in Malaysia, I was terrified for my return to the US. One, because I'm a planner. And I had no control over my future, or any inkling of what was coming next. Two, because I was heavily warned that re-entry would be difficult. And so I was terrified for it, for many things and many changes.
I can't say if the transition was easy or difficult-- mainly because I didn't have a transition. I'm still waiting for the day where it all just hits me and I'm overwhelmed.
After coming home, my time was filled with visits and trips to see many meaningful people. Camp, college friend reunions, a family trip, a wedding... many good things. Throughout this time, however, I was very aware of the reality that faced me, and the necessity for me to find a job.
In my fifth week home, and really, my first week back at the job hunt, I received a job offer. Everything really fell together-- I hadn't even applied to the school, I didn't really have to interview. I would start the next week, move the following weekend.
My job is a 9-10 self-contained special ed. classroom. I have two paraprofessionals in my room, and my kids come in and out throughout the day. They are high functioning kids for the most part, they just have had a rough go with life (and school) so far. I never thought I'd be a high school teacher (and to be honest, I'm not even qualified), but here I am. I am learning every single day. And scrambling. And asking questions. And feeling overwhelmed. My kids push me. And get angry and lie. And come in early before school to have someone to talk to.
I get home late at night, a frazzled, second time around first year teacher, to my quiet two bedroom apartment, glance around at my new small town life, and then remember... was I really just in Malaysia?
I can't even begin to explain the contrast of teaching in Malaysia versus teaching in the US. Yikes.
I struggled for a while with the pace of life, it seemed so stressful to have a full to-do list for the day. And then, not even being able to get that list completed! I still often wish for a slower pace, though know it's not even feasible.
I still have a few funny moments sometimes, as I get used to states-side life again.
-- hearing teachers talking during a meeting and automatically assuming that they are translating the information into another language
-- looking at my toaster that has a cover, and feeling very pleased that the geckos won't get inside
-- thinking I see geckos darting around my house. often.
-- forgetting that tipping at a restaurant is expected
-- left-hand turns. every time.
-- calling a friend in another state, and thinking we were in different countries
-- being surprised my bedroom didn't have a fan. and then buying one, because I couldn't sleep without a breeze
-- hot water and potable water never cease to amaze me
I miss Malaysia most on Saturdays, when the sun is out, and I want to walk into town to go to the market. I miss it when I erase my board myself, and my students leave without even saying goodbye. I miss it when I crave rice every single week. I miss it when I see pictures, or forget malay phrases that I used to know. I miss it when I receive emails from the people I used to see every single day.
I was so worried about losing my identity that was created in Malaysia, and instead of losing it by reverting back to an old one, through my new job, I was given a new identity. I am now Ms. H, a funny first year teacher from the wrong state, who doesn't know the rules, who is learning to be all-knowing and organized, and fighting to be an advocate. Transition is a thing I include in my students' education plans.
I only hope that Malaysia isn't only a memory, and somehow, all these identities can combine.
And, if you're looking to hear about a SE Asia country, I'm always open to talking. And talking.
Until the next adventure...
16 September 2010
08 August 2010
final farewell photos
Brownie, the neighborhood puppy 
My favorite church to attend
My place of work!
A farewell lunch with friends.
Nothing like fish and rice, eating it with your hands!
My final class, EN B Intensive!
Final family group party at Francis' house
Jumpa lagi...hello my home country hello
I am back States side, safe and sound. The last couple weeks have been a whirlwind, from finishing up my time teaching and saying goodbye, to the world's longest flights, to gratefully greeting friends and family back home. I wanted to take the time today to record some of my initial thoughts of returning back home.
From the flight...
At about 2am, flying over the Pacific ocean, the flight attendant offers me dinner. It was not a normal eating time, in Malaysia OR the US, so I didn't really want any dinner. I asked if I could just have a roll and some crackers, instead of the whole meal. He says sure, but offers me a second roll. I didn't want it, but of course accepted it graciously. It was after the flight attendant was down the aisle that I realized I was able to, inoffensively, decline the food.
Flying into California, at about 9pm. I say to Kelsey, "Why is it light out? I thought we were supposed to be getting into California at night?" only to realize that it was indeed night time, and that in the States it gets dark past 6pm. And it was summer time!
The US airports were a shock in itself-- they were so rushed and loud. It seemed like everyone was shouting and rules were the utmost importance; so much for the courtesy of airports of the past (and SE Asia). Immediately I was shocked by the size of the people, as well as the quickness I could speak in English and have people comprehend me. I nervously counted and recounted my American money, unsure that I was using it correctly. I still have my bills sorted in different compartments in my wallet, just to keep it straight. Color coded money is such a good idea, Malaysia.
Now home, I find myself doing peculiar things all of the time. Most of the time I just laugh at myself. Things include:
-- Taking my shoes off immediately at the door. No matter where I am.
-- Washing down dishes before using them. You know, in case of cockroaches or geckos.
-- Trying to find the light switch and water heater switch outside the bathroom door. It's not there.
-- Amazed every time I receive hot water from the faucet. It's really amazing.
-- The toilet handle is on the other side of the toilet. I can never find it.
-- Expecting there to be a squat toilet in the third stall of public bathrooms. Haven't found one yet.
-- Carrying toilet paper with me wherever I go. Then I'm always amazed when the bathrooms have toilet paper.
-- Still being extremely cautious about the water I drink. Every time I brush my teeth, I realize that I can swallow the water. I asked my brother if the water from his sink was drinkable.
-- Jumping in the dark, thinking I saw a huge monitor lizard. Oh wait, it's Wisconsin.
-- Wrapping up in jeans and a sweater.
-- Using plastic bags for everything. And tying them up in knots, so they don't take up as much space in the collection of plastic bags (this is very Malaysian).
-- Wishing to respond to people in Malay all the time, especially question words. Kenapa?
-- Driving... yikes! Left hand turns still scare me like crazy.
I still find myself adjusting, my digestive system especially. So much for dairy products and sweets. I find myself keenly aware of issues such as energy use, race, materialism, and recycling/wasting. For a while, Malaysia just seemed like a surreal dream, and that I hadn't been away at all. Now, within the last week, I find myself missing people terribly, and just wishing for anyone to gab about Malaysia to for hours.
It has been busy since I've been back, and I think that has been doubly helpful and hurtful. I had some friends visit, went up north to the cottage with family and cousins, worked at camp for a few days, and went on a road trip out to CO to visit my brother. This following week I will see college friends while attending the wedding of two college friends. I'm anticipating more downtime, but those quiet moments filling with the ache of missing and the anxiety of job searching.
Looking forward to catching up with you all, thanks for reading throughout the year.
Much love,
Ellen
From the flight...
At about 2am, flying over the Pacific ocean, the flight attendant offers me dinner. It was not a normal eating time, in Malaysia OR the US, so I didn't really want any dinner. I asked if I could just have a roll and some crackers, instead of the whole meal. He says sure, but offers me a second roll. I didn't want it, but of course accepted it graciously. It was after the flight attendant was down the aisle that I realized I was able to, inoffensively, decline the food.
Flying into California, at about 9pm. I say to Kelsey, "Why is it light out? I thought we were supposed to be getting into California at night?" only to realize that it was indeed night time, and that in the States it gets dark past 6pm. And it was summer time!
The US airports were a shock in itself-- they were so rushed and loud. It seemed like everyone was shouting and rules were the utmost importance; so much for the courtesy of airports of the past (and SE Asia). Immediately I was shocked by the size of the people, as well as the quickness I could speak in English and have people comprehend me. I nervously counted and recounted my American money, unsure that I was using it correctly. I still have my bills sorted in different compartments in my wallet, just to keep it straight. Color coded money is such a good idea, Malaysia.
Now home, I find myself doing peculiar things all of the time. Most of the time I just laugh at myself. Things include:
-- Taking my shoes off immediately at the door. No matter where I am.
-- Washing down dishes before using them. You know, in case of cockroaches or geckos.
-- Trying to find the light switch and water heater switch outside the bathroom door. It's not there.
-- Amazed every time I receive hot water from the faucet. It's really amazing.
-- The toilet handle is on the other side of the toilet. I can never find it.
-- Expecting there to be a squat toilet in the third stall of public bathrooms. Haven't found one yet.
-- Carrying toilet paper with me wherever I go. Then I'm always amazed when the bathrooms have toilet paper.
-- Still being extremely cautious about the water I drink. Every time I brush my teeth, I realize that I can swallow the water. I asked my brother if the water from his sink was drinkable.
-- Jumping in the dark, thinking I saw a huge monitor lizard. Oh wait, it's Wisconsin.
-- Wrapping up in jeans and a sweater.
-- Using plastic bags for everything. And tying them up in knots, so they don't take up as much space in the collection of plastic bags (this is very Malaysian).
-- Wishing to respond to people in Malay all the time, especially question words. Kenapa?
-- Driving... yikes! Left hand turns still scare me like crazy.
I still find myself adjusting, my digestive system especially. So much for dairy products and sweets. I find myself keenly aware of issues such as energy use, race, materialism, and recycling/wasting. For a while, Malaysia just seemed like a surreal dream, and that I hadn't been away at all. Now, within the last week, I find myself missing people terribly, and just wishing for anyone to gab about Malaysia to for hours.
It has been busy since I've been back, and I think that has been doubly helpful and hurtful. I had some friends visit, went up north to the cottage with family and cousins, worked at camp for a few days, and went on a road trip out to CO to visit my brother. This following week I will see college friends while attending the wedding of two college friends. I'm anticipating more downtime, but those quiet moments filling with the ache of missing and the anxiety of job searching.
Looking forward to catching up with you all, thanks for reading throughout the year.
Much love,
Ellen
13 July 2010
malaysia playlist
Nothing beats a foreign country playlist! Just for kicks and for a glimpse into pop culture, I thought you might like to "enjoy" (or peruse) the songs that I will forever identify with Malaysia. Thanks repetition.
Mine, however, has an interesting twist because I've added in a few songs from the seminary too. Starting from most current. If anything else comes to mind, I'll add it to the list!
1. Waka Waka, Shakira
2. Wavin' Flag, K'naan
3. Bad Romance, Lady Gaga
4. Nobody but You, Wonder Girls
5. Just Dance, Lady Gaga
6. Sebab Nama-mu Kudus
7. Mamarayou Oku Kinorohingan
8. The Prayer
9. Poker Face, Lady Gaga
10. Ku Mau Cinta Yesus Selamanya
11. You Raise Me Up
12. Sayang Kinabalu
Mine, however, has an interesting twist because I've added in a few songs from the seminary too. Starting from most current. If anything else comes to mind, I'll add it to the list!
1. Waka Waka, Shakira
2. Wavin' Flag, K'naan
3. Bad Romance, Lady Gaga
4. Nobody but You, Wonder Girls
5. Just Dance, Lady Gaga
6. Sebab Nama-mu Kudus
7. Mamarayou Oku Kinorohingan
8. The Prayer
9. Poker Face, Lady Gaga
10. Ku Mau Cinta Yesus Selamanya
11. You Raise Me Up
12. Sayang Kinabalu
05 July 2010
an orchestra, two seas, and a sunset
This weekend I had the chance to work crew for an orchestra. I accompanied them for the weekend to Kudat for a concert at the Tip of Borneo. It was fun, funny, and beautiful.
This beach is named after a Rungus warrior
The tip of Borneo-- where the South China Sea meets the Sulu Seas
I love places where two things meet
Crew members
Beauty
This beach is named after a Rungus warrior
The tip of Borneo-- where the South China Sea meets the Sulu Seas
I love places where two things meet
Crew members
Beauty 01 July 2010
little things that make my day
Despite the fact that I had to turn my calendar to July today (ahhh!), it has been a beautiful day so far.
7:15 I got to work this morning, and as I was in the office preparing for my class one of the office ladies asked me the meaning of a word. This sounds like a funny thing, but most days we just exchange a hello and get back to our work. It's also this type of thing that helps reinforce my place in the community and a role where others rely on me (instead of it always being me relying on others!).
7:20 On my way back to my office I ran into one of my former students. We just had a great conversation, chatting about it being July and how soon I had to go back, when could I come again, who would teach English, how she would miss me. It just made me smile. Talking with former students may be one of my new favorite things.
7:40 I begin my class, only to have one of my former students join. He is such a motivated student and works really hard (as evident by his independent joining of my class in his free time so he can practice his English). It was fun to have him back in class, and it's kind of flattering to have someone want to take your class for a second time!
9:30 Chapel time-- we had chapel in the old chapel, which is gorgeous. It's kind of like the chapel up at camp, where all the doors on the side open up to the outside. It's surrounded by jungle, and a cool breeze blows through it. Before chapel began, I talked with one of the librarians, trying to explain in Malay how I was feeling about today. She told me we'd have to take a photo together next week. :)
11:00 After chapel on Thursdays is tea fellowship. Here I caught up with some of the girls at STS, because we are planning to go for lunch next week. I'm really excited for it.
Like I said, little things. Tetapi sangat baik.
7:15 I got to work this morning, and as I was in the office preparing for my class one of the office ladies asked me the meaning of a word. This sounds like a funny thing, but most days we just exchange a hello and get back to our work. It's also this type of thing that helps reinforce my place in the community and a role where others rely on me (instead of it always being me relying on others!).
7:20 On my way back to my office I ran into one of my former students. We just had a great conversation, chatting about it being July and how soon I had to go back, when could I come again, who would teach English, how she would miss me. It just made me smile. Talking with former students may be one of my new favorite things.
7:40 I begin my class, only to have one of my former students join. He is such a motivated student and works really hard (as evident by his independent joining of my class in his free time so he can practice his English). It was fun to have him back in class, and it's kind of flattering to have someone want to take your class for a second time!
9:30 Chapel time-- we had chapel in the old chapel, which is gorgeous. It's kind of like the chapel up at camp, where all the doors on the side open up to the outside. It's surrounded by jungle, and a cool breeze blows through it. Before chapel began, I talked with one of the librarians, trying to explain in Malay how I was feeling about today. She told me we'd have to take a photo together next week. :)
11:00 After chapel on Thursdays is tea fellowship. Here I caught up with some of the girls at STS, because we are planning to go for lunch next week. I'm really excited for it.
Like I said, little things. Tetapi sangat baik.
28 June 2010
Outwit, Outplay, Outlast
This weekend Kelsey and I took a short trip to Pulau Tiga, the three-island park where the first season of the reality show Survivor: Borneo was filmed. While the memorabilia and things to see from the show (such as the tribal council area) were scare or non-existent, it was still a great trip. It was funny to learn that the place we stayed at actually existed before the show was filmed, and hosted the camera crew during the filming. I think overall they had to do some work to make the island seem more remote than it was, as it was only a 20 minute boat ride from the mainland.
The island was beautiful, there were amazing hiking trails and beaches, great snorkeling, and tons of things to do. There weren't many people there either, so it was just a peaceful way to spend the weekend. We both agreed we could have definitely spent more time there.
Survivor Island!
View of Pulau Tiga from Pulau Kalampunian
Something from the show!
One of the tribes was on this beach
Just what I always wanted, a really deadly snake
A morning hike
Of course, we had to go to the mud volcanoes. 
I survived! Do I win $1,000,000?
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