transition? giant leap!

It is unbelievable to me that two months ago I was in Malaysia. My life now is completely different-- it's only when I sit quiet for a moment that I find memories, missing, and subtle differences float to the forefront of my being.

When I was in Malaysia, I was terrified for my return to the US. One, because I'm a planner. And I had no control over my future, or any inkling of what was coming next. Two, because I was heavily warned that re-entry would be difficult. And so I was terrified for it, for many things and many changes.

I can't say if the transition was easy or difficult-- mainly because I didn't have a transition. I'm still waiting for the day where it all just hits me and I'm overwhelmed.

After coming home, my time was filled with visits and trips to see many meaningful people. Camp, college friend reunions, a family trip, a wedding... many good things. Throughout this time, however, I was very aware of the reality that faced me, and the necessity for me to find a job.

In my fifth week home, and really, my first week back at the job hunt, I received a job offer. Everything really fell together-- I hadn't even applied to the school, I didn't really have to interview. I would start the next week, move the following weekend.

My job is a 9-10 self-contained special ed. classroom. I have two paraprofessionals in my room, and my kids come in and out throughout the day. They are high functioning kids for the most part, they just have had a rough go with life (and school) so far. I never thought I'd be a high school teacher (and to be honest, I'm not even qualified), but here I am. I am learning every single day. And scrambling. And asking questions. And feeling overwhelmed. My kids push me. And get angry and lie. And come in early before school to have someone to talk to.

I get home late at night, a frazzled, second time around first year teacher, to my quiet two bedroom apartment, glance around at my new small town life, and then remember... was I really just in Malaysia?

I can't even begin to explain the contrast of teaching in Malaysia versus teaching in the US. Yikes.

I struggled for a while with the pace of life, it seemed so stressful to have a full to-do list for the day. And then, not even being able to get that list completed! I still often wish for a slower pace, though know it's not even feasible.

I still have a few funny moments sometimes, as I get used to states-side life again.
-- hearing teachers talking during a meeting and automatically assuming that they are translating the information into another language
-- looking at my toaster that has a cover, and feeling very pleased that the geckos won't get inside
-- thinking I see geckos darting around my house. often.
-- forgetting that tipping at a restaurant is expected
-- left-hand turns. every time.
-- calling a friend in another state, and thinking we were in different countries
-- being surprised my bedroom didn't have a fan. and then buying one, because I couldn't sleep without a breeze
-- hot water and potable water never cease to amaze me

I miss Malaysia most on Saturdays, when the sun is out, and I want to walk into town to go to the market. I miss it when I erase my board myself, and my students leave without even saying goodbye. I miss it when I crave rice every single week. I miss it when I see pictures, or forget malay phrases that I used to know. I miss it when I receive emails from the people I used to see every single day.

I was so worried about losing my identity that was created in Malaysia, and instead of losing it by reverting back to an old one, through my new job, I was given a new identity. I am now Ms. H, a funny first year teacher from the wrong state, who doesn't know the rules, who is learning to be all-knowing and organized, and fighting to be an advocate. Transition is a thing I include in my students' education plans.

I only hope that Malaysia isn't only a memory, and somehow, all these identities can combine.

And, if you're looking to hear about a SE Asia country, I'm always open to talking. And talking.

Until the next adventure...